June Writing Challenge // Hello, My Name Is Your T.V.

[Meow]

"Hello, My Name Is Your T.V." - Ludo

Hello, my name is your T.V.
We've been together so long
So many memories
We solved so many problems
Situated comedies

When I was born into this body, I remembered nothing. I couldn’t remember my past, the cats I once cared about, the burden I used to carry… I was simply Frostkit. Nightfur was my mother, and all of my siblings, though so different from me in appearance, were my life. I knew nothing but the nursery and the games I played with the other kits. At times, I would look out at the waterfall that guarded MistClan, and wonder why it roared, though the queens would drag me back inside when they thought I was becoming too curious. Sometimes, when my brother, Firekit, convinced our cousin Mosskit to distract our mother while we escaped, I would race towards the waterfall in the hopes that I could catch a real glimpse of it. With my newly-opened eyes, it was hard to make out its details from the nursery. All I ever wanted was to see it, and, when I finally did, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.

I really loved that waterfall. I think maybe I made Frostkit fall in love with it, too.

I fed you ads and movie stars
And you always fell asleep
In my color bars, but there's this
World outside where the lighting's off
Scenes last too long and you lose the plot
All the girls, they lie and they break your heart
And nothing's done when the streets go dark
Here, see California, where pretty people dream
And the good guy gets the girl by the sunny sea

But my ignorance didn’t last long. Not after I met her again.

Silverfang. The only cat I’ve ever truly loved.

I’d escaped from Nightfur’s watchful eye to explore the camp better. That day, my nose brought me to the medicine den. I found the strong herbal scents interesting and overpowering at the same time, so, as a naturally curious kit, I sought to investigate. Silverfang, of course, was there to stop me from causing too much damage to her herb stash. Immediately, I was drawn to her and her kind nature. Though our initial meeting was short, I kept coming back, day after day, to spend time with her.

That’s when the memories began to surface. Frostkit would see things she couldn’t explain- flashes of faraway places she hadn't seen before, with giant, sharp rocks that jutted into the sky and lined the horizon as far as she could see. When I slept, I saw cats I once knew in life, flashes of their smiling faces, of their thin forms in the middle of leaf-bare, of blood-stained grass after a battle. Frostkit would panic when she woke up from these memories, but she wouldn’t remember her dreams upon waking. I… I would remember, though. Gradually, day by day, my memories came back, one-by-one, as Frostkit grew. There would be days where I would wake up as Frostkit, but, as the day drew on, Frostheart would return, and my control over her would cease.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about watching Frostkit slowly fall in love with my former mate through her own eyes. To feel my heart beat with nervousness again, and feel the warmth of love in my cheeks- but it wasn’t my body. Not anymore.

And when they'd yell upstairs, you'd cry
Little boy inside their lies
In the dark I'd watch your eyes
And I know the way they laugh
The jackals feast behind your back
Here you hide, but still they stab
In the dark I feel you die in that
World outside where the lighting's off
Scenes last too long and you lose the plot
All the girls, they lie and they break your heart
And nothing's done when the streets go dark
Here, see California, where pretty people dream

Sometimes I wonder if Frostpaw feels me there, or the longing I feel to be with Silverfang and Sootheart again. But… I know how happy she makes them. I’d never seen Silverfang smile the way she does when Frostpaw is around, as if everything is finally right in the world. There was always a cloud hanging over her when I was alive, like the world had broken her down into a shell of herself. I both loved and hated when she would say I was her reason for living- I wanted her to find worth in her own life, but, secretly, I liked having her depend on me.

Now I’m not her reason for being alive. She’s found someone else to fill that hole.

I’d have to be a fool to think she doesn’t see me in Frostpaw. She’s probably also made the connection that her birth was linked to me. Maybe she loves Frostpaw as much as she does because she thinks Frostpaw and I are one and the same. But we aren’t. Not anymore.

It drives me crazy… to be little more than a prisoner. To watch Frostpaw live the life I’d wanted so desperately when I was a kit without being grateful for the healthy body she was given.

Now see that icy vacant lot where they made your nose bleed
The flannel spread, the heater on
The world is dead, the sun is gone, here take my hand, I'll take you home
You'll never have to be alone
The picture's warping slowly, the scrolling seems unending
The snowy edges blurring, the bars between us bending
Feel you start to breathe, you are alive inside of me
Forever tan and strong and loved, you'll never bleed again

It’s been getting worse lately- the visions. Sometimes, Frostpaw sees me in her dreams. She always asks me who I am, why I’m there, and why I sparkle. I never tell her my name, but I always tell her stories. Sometimes it’s about the great leaders that made the clans, and sometimes it’s about things I did in my own apprenticeship. Then, when I’m done and the sun is ready to rise, I’ll lead her back to her own dreams, and we’ll repeat everything again the night after. Frostpaw never remembers any of it.

It’s not just our dreams we share, however. Sometimes, she’ll feel my thoughts, see the things I remember. She’ll see flashes of mountain peaks and snowy paths and the faces of long-gone cats who her siblings remind me of. Frostpaw doesn’t forget these.

I think… I think I’m starting to hurt her. My wants, desires, thoughts- they’re all merging with Frostpaw’s, and I’m scaring her. I’ve always wanted to live a happy, healthy life, but…

Not at the expense of someone else. I want… I want Frostpaw to be happy.

I want her to be safe by Silverfang’s side. Where she belongs.

In dreamy California scenes where bad guys meet their destiny
And the good guy gets the girl by the sunny sea

Maybe…

Maybe I’ve already lived long enough.

(a little bonus drawing of frostpaw and silverfang sleepin)