i love you, say it back

[Ava]

Petaldawn was hopeless. She was growing older, more mature, and with that she was becoming more and more distant from her mate, Murkdusk. The things Halfshade had told her were true, yet she stayed with him- why? Why had she done that to herself? Was she truly so fragile, so translucent, so dependent that she clung to a murderer to try and repair her self-esteem that felt as if it had been clawed, crushed, and thrown into a river?

But she wouldn’t cry now. No, she had done enough crying in her thus short life, and she refused to let herself break down again. She took in a deep breath with some shakiness in it, but just stopped altogether as she noticed the RootClan border in front of her. She knew, deep down, what she wanted. Her paws had carried her here despite never telling them to, as if her heart had subliminally communicated with them.

She couldn’t help it, though, these restless nights were getting out of hand. With a sneeze from a particular gust of wind that blew some pollen her way, she stood as close to the border as she could, bracing herself. There was only one tom she hoped to see arrive, and with her horrible luck lately she hoped that maybe he’d come. Maybe he was the change in her life that she’d been searching for all this time. Maybe... he was her future?

[Mama]

Halfshade was keeping himself busy. Well, as busy as he could. After a day of working on patrols and helping some apprentices with their training, the tom was finished with what he had. He wasn't really... One for relationships. He enjoyed the company of his clan, but he was more of a loner somedays. And today was one of them.

He found some springy low hanging branches, spending time hitting them and moving aside or under it as it swung back at him. It kept him busy until his muscles complained, and he slowed down enough for a smack to land. 

"Ahh-dungface branch!" He jumped back in surprise, rolling onto his back. Quickly he got up, touching a paw to his nose. Seems like it got sliced. Halfshade grumbled, brushing it away for now and getting up. He could take a break.

The tall tom went trotting towards the border for a quick check, deep caramel eyes flickering around and glowing in the moonlight warmly. The wind blew his fur, and he glanced towards it before shaking out his pelt. Man... Did it feel nice.

Glancing towards the border, he heard a sneeze through the whistling of the wind. In seconds, he wasn't shaking his fur in the breeze and instead was about a tail length from a familar face. Halfshade was still as devoloped out as he was, lean muscles under his glossy coat. Scars still there, sliced over his neck. And blood beading on his nose.

"What are you doing here? Rootclan doesn't have territory to spare for Mistclan's hunting." He muttered in a neutral tone. It was repeated, emotionless as he could make it, and his stared almost through her.

[Ava]

Her hopeful expression dimmed immediately at his cold exterior, and she withdrew a little, taking backwards streps. Where was the Halfshade she had grown to know and love? Who was this... imposter, a shadow of what had once been her love? Pressing her muzzle a little tighter together, lips pursed as if it was everything that was holding her together. She had made a vow not to cry, and she would stick to it no matter how hard things got. After a few moments too long of silence, she spoke, having recovered from the plain words that seemed as if she were a stranger to him.

“I was looking for someone, but I guess if I’m not wanted... then... then I’ll go,” she decided unsteadily, her voice full of emotion albeit her aloof gaze that, despite her promise, had a tinge of blur from tears in it. “I just wanted to tell someone my feelings before it was too late. The last time I told them anything was... long ago, when we were barely old enough to know what feelings were. But I knew. They were worth the heartbreak.” At this point, she was just muttering to herself, rambling on about him even as he was right in front of her. She hoped he knew that she was talking about him, though her hopes had crushed her before. Who was she to expect that she wouldn’t be let down again?

[Mama]

A tinge of emotion drifted into his gaze as he seemed to crack, just a bit. "Last time I heard those words, it was met by my death, and being pushed away from my old clan. But they don't believe what I say. Because deep down, I'll never be one of them. I'm not clan blood, tribe blood, anyone's kin. Just a kitty pet who ran.

His head turned away, his tail twitching softly behind him. It was hard to keep his voice from cracking, and he could feel the pressure build up behind his eyes. "You didn't believe me, Petaldawn. But why would you? The one you love, your mate, killing a filthy cat like me? Maybe it was just an excuse for me to run from my life in Mistclan. Maybe being in a clan was too much for someone with weak spirit."

The tom looked back towards her, before taking a deep breath. It followed with a heavy sigh. "What did you need, Petaldawn? Even if you aren't here, I am."

[Ava]

She stood there for a moment, her eyes glassy and shining weirdly with the setting sun behind the trees. After being stuck in her own problems for so long, she forgot that he had been through just as much as she had. But they both made it through, despite how difficult it was to keep going for each of them. He had been murdered, for StarClan’s sake, yet he managed to keep going. How could she just give up like that, the once determined fight in her eyes gone and replaced with nothing but a dull, pained expression?

”I love you. Don’t say anything yet, because you don’t have to say it back. When I was little I dreamed of going on adventures and escaping my duties with you, having too much fun and exploring romance with you,” she paused for a moment, sitting down, “And then my dreams were cut away when you... um, yeah. I didn’t want to be with him, but I convinced myself I did. If I told myself it over and over, maybe it would make it true. So I ended up with Murkdusk, yes, but I never stopped thinking about you. And I knew the second my heart fluttered at the mention of your name, I couldn’t just let us be friends.”

She was too emotional to continue, yet tears hadn’t spilled over her cheeks yet and she fought to keep it that way. No matter what, she would stay strong. Even if he didn’t love her, never had, and never would. 

The thought of that was too far, and glistening tears dripped down her pained face.

[Mama]

"When I died." He filled in the gap, looking down at the ginger shecat. He wasn't sure of his emotions and...and what he wanted anymore. She had a mate. Kits. And was throwing that out just to confess her love.

Something in him felt startled as she started crying, and he raised a paw to brush away the tears from her face. His paws were scarred, worn, no longer the squishy and cute kitten beans they once were. His expression had matured, but carried a lonely tone. 

He couldn't get the words out. Or any thing else, to be precise. However, even if it was just this short time, even if she wanted to run again... He missed her. Missed playing as kits and apprentices, him invading her nest because he refused to take up more space to enlarge his own. He missed all of that.


So, carefully, he reached a paw out and tugged her closer. His head rested on her shoulder, in a sort of hug. 

[Ava]

She didn’t care one bit as they embraced, and she let the sobs wrack her body as she sniffled. Petaldawn missed this more than anything, just being near him and even feeling his touch. She would give anything in her life just to wake up every morning like this, snuggled up against him. It was nothing more than a hope of hers, and if she had learned anything, it was that any hopes or dreams of hers were sure to not come true. Even then, she couldn’t help herself.

“I want to stay with you. I want to leave MistClan and be with you, I’ll become a warrior there, I don’t mind. There’s no one left for me to come home to each night except for my mate and kits who were born out of agony. But if you don’t want me there, I understand. After all, I’m sure I’m not your first choice of a... m- mate,” she said.

Her eyes had brightened a little, round like an awestruck kitten and still sunset-yellow, but the worry in her gaze was still prominent. Petaldawn fully expected him to dismiss her, ask her to leave, force her away...

And once again, tears dripped down her cheeks.

[Mama]

He wanted to stay close. Warm. His paw remained on her back as he gazed off, letting her weep. He truely did miss this.


"That's.. up to Screechstar, in the end. And what would your kits think? Your brothers, and the rest of Mistclan? My former family, weren't they close to you?" He asked, meeting her eyes. He wanted her dearly to come with him, into Rootclan. They could be together. But, she had strings and ties, chains attached to her and they threatened to yank her away at any second.

"We're having issues right now as it is. Screechstar is one of the kindest cats I know.. but he's under a lot of stress. So it's not certain he'd even be willing to take in outsiders."

[Ava]

Petaldawn couldn’t tell if he was saying that because he truly loved her or because he wanted an excuse to not be with her. She nodded a little, her sobs stifling as she gazed up at him. If he didn’t love her, he was very good at acting like he did, but she didn’t want to think about that.

”We don’t need to have anyone know, then. My mother had a relationship outside of the clan, so what? We can too, right? It’ll be fine,” she blurted out, “We can have secret meetings and spend nights together without either of our clans knowing.”

She knew she had gone a little far, but as long as they didn’t have kits together it wasn’t exactly breaking the code, right? Things would be fine, and neither of them would get into trouble because no one would know. It was the perfect plan, but one slip-up could cause them both to never see each other. The risk, she decided, was worth seeing Halfshade each night in secret.

[Mama]

"And how did that end up for your mother?"

The words weren't meant to be rude, but soft and serious. They came out as a whisper, and he looked away to check the borders. Nothing. And he was thankful for that.

"I don't want to just be.. fine. I want to be good. I want to see you, hunt by you, patrol with you... And I'm loyal to Rootclan. Screechstar and the old tribe provided a haven for when I was broken down and lost. So.. maybe they'll provide one for you."

He met her eyes, blood pooling back on his nose. 

"And what about the kits? They shouldn't.. have to suffer. Just because they weren't born out of love doesn't mean they shouldn't get love too."