[ti]Private[/ti]Duty Never Ends

[silverfang218]

Barkfur is frustrated. He is frustrated with his clanmates, or at least the cats who used to be his clanmates. He had been the one to give Rainfur the push to go confess his love for Owlstar, and he had gotten in Rainfur’s face about adopting Shadowgaze. Barkfur, despite his faults, did have good intentions when dealing with Rainfur (at least in those instances anyways). He didn’t want the older warrior to be sitting there, sadly pining away after the love of his life, but he also didn’t want the older warrior to be a terrible role model for the young Shadowpaw nor did he want the younger grey tom to be let down by yet another cat. Barkfur wasn’t usually a great clanmate to hang around, but no one could ever say he didn’t want each and every clanmate to end up happy.

From what Barkfur has seen of Rainfur recently, the blue-grey warrior seemed miserable. It’s not like Barkfur can blame the older tom given everything that is going on at the moment, but it was still up to Rainfur to move on and live a happy life… after all, Barkfur and Rivershine are both perfect examples of how fast life can be over. Despite their often violent encounters, Barkfur cared about Rainfur just like he cared about each and every other clanmate… not to mention how close Rainfur was to Shadowgaze’s heart. That being said, it’s up to Barkfur once again to forcibly shove Rainfur onto the right path; the work of a good clanmate is never over, even after death it seems. Barkfur hasn’t really… contacted any living cats since his death. He went to retrieve his sister’s soul after she was killed, but that was the closest thing to contact he’s had so far. So… uh… this is gonna be weird. It takes a couple days of interrogating cats who had been dead longer than Bark had before Bark managed to find a quiet, previously-MistClan tom who was willing to explain how to appear to cats in their dreams.

Tonight is the night. Barkfur sits ready to greet Rainfur once the blue-grey warrior falls asleep. Barkfur’s usual frown is more of a neutral expression tonight, while the tortie tom’s eyes are a bit softer than they had been when interacting with Rainfur prior to the young tom’s death. After all, Bark didn’t bring living warrior here to fight; Barkfur’s intention is purely to help… even if he has absolutely no idea how to actually help.

[Meow]

Rainfur had regressed to his old days of spending most of his time out in the territory, resting in various places where his clan mates rarely wandered. This time, however, his actions weren't to avoid responsibility, or to try to get a few extra hours of sleep- this time, Rainfur just wanted to be left alone. The blue-gray warrior had been completely useless to his clan, stricken by grief and heartbreak. Even eating the tastiest, plumpest mouse had become a tiring task for Rainfur. Looking at him now, it was as if the progress he'd forced upon himself, the work he'd put in to become a worthy warrior of IvyClan, had been for nothing. What should have been a bright, flirty young warrior looked to be a tired elder on his last legs.

As had been typical of him lately, Rainfur had settled down in a bush in a dark, quiet part of the IvyClan forest, almost completely motionless as his eyelids began to droop. He'd been laying here for a while, wishing for exhaustion to finally drag him into a peaceful sleep. Finally, Rainfur could enter the world of his dreams, where his children still stood happily beside him, and his mate snapped at him with the same fire she'd had only seasons ago. The tom quietly allowed himself to drift off into slumber...

But, when Rainfur opened his eyes again, he wasn't standing in the usual sunny field he encountered in his dreams. In fact, it was as if he hadn't gone to sleep at all- only, he now stood in a strange moonlit forest...

A starry, slightly translucent tortoiseshell tom stood before him, all too familiar. Barkfur... Barkfur? But Barkfur was dead. Wait... wait. Rainfur's eyes widened as he looked down to his own paws, though he found no stars there. What... what was going on? He wasn't dead, was he?

[silverfang218]

“You ain’t dead, don’t worry.” Barkfur chuckles softly at the living tom’s panic. “StarClan can reach out to you in your dreams and I kinda wanted to chat with you- not to chew you out or attack you or anything like I used to. Just… to talk. You’re only dreaming- you’ll leave here when you wake up.” Bark quickly tries to explain; the starlit tom didn’t really think of how much of a shock it would be to suddenly wake up in the afterlife when one isn’t dead, but he’s kind of realizing that it must be a little jarring after seeing the look on Rainfur’s face. “But yes, I’m really here and this is really happening. Welcome to StarClan, Rainfur.” Bark’s rough voice is dry as he confirms that this isn’t just some crazy dream Rainfur is having.

The StarClan warrior pauses for a few moments to allow Rainfur to adjust to the moonlit world he had been dragged into before saying anything more. His gaze slowly takes in the blue-grey warrior’s appearance. Bark’s gaze is not really gentle nor could it be described as truly sympathetic. The ghostly tom can, however, relate to loss even though his losses had been much different than Rainfur’s. Even so, he remembers that emptiness that fills one’s chest when it feels like the world is stealing everything from them. There’s no anger or frustration in Barkfur’s eyes now, only sorrow for the clanmate in front of him.

[Meow]

Rainfur took a few moments to absorb the information offered by Barkfur. The panic on his face gradually subsided in the silence that followed the dead tom's words, first turning to understanding, then confusion. He wasn't in the world of dreams, nor was he dead... Barkfur had simply brought him into StarClan's forest? Wasn't this kind of thing reserved for medicine cats and leaders? And why would Barkfur, of all cats, want to talk to him?

Just thinking about this hurt his brain.

"I was scared there for a second... that maybe I'd died in my sleep," Rainfur admitted, making a pitiful attempt at cheer as he gave Barkfur a weak smile. Barkfur may have been a pain in his rear in life, but that didn't mean he wasn't happy to see his deceased clan mate. The smile didn't last long, however, as it almost immediately fell to reveal the deadened, sorrowful look that had become customary for him. Barkfur must've had something important to talk to him about if he hadn't already begun to chew him out for no reason. Rainfur's gaze held a spark of wariness within them as he looked into Barkfur's. "What... what do you want to talk about? It must be really, um... important, for you to bring me here."

[silverfang218]

Barkfur shakes his head as Rainfur confesses that he had thought he had died in his sleep. No, Rain is perfectly safe in his little bush down in the living clans. Bark watches silently for a moment as Rain’s expression goes from a weak smile to depressed once more; the dead tom’s expression twists into annoyance for a split second as he sees wariness in Rainfur’s eyes before Bark turns his gaze towards the ground. “If you’re worried I’m going to hurt you, you shouldn’t be. It took me a long time to figure out how to even get you up here; I wouldn’t put that much effort into trying to speak with you if it wasn’t something I thought was important. No offense, but beating you up isn’t important to me.”

Barkfur’s gaze moves back up to meet Rainfur’s eyes. “You might not believe me, but I’m concerned for you. It may not have ever seemed like it when I was alive, but I always wanted my clanmates to be happy, you included even if I was extremely hard on you. I still want you to be happy… and you clearly haven’t been. I don’t know about you, but IvyClan was my home because it was where my family was. I had Rivershine and I had Shadowgaze, so I had no reason to look for happiness outside of IvyClan. You however…”

Barkfur lets out a frustrated sigh as his lack of social skills starts to anger him, though the frustration is clearly not directed at Rainfur. “I’m sorry, I’m not very good at talking or trying to help. Let me try again. You seem like you are miserable; I don’t know what would make you happy, and I couldn’t tell you where you would be happiest. I can tell you that happiness is worth looking for. It might be worth doing something difficult if it might make you happy in the long run.” The starlit tom looks back at his paws as he continues, “I don’t want anyone that I care about to live in misery… especially since I know all too well how fast life can take a turn for the worst. You should always try to be happy today, because you might not get the chance to be happy tomorrow. You never know when… you might die in your sleep.”

[Meow]

Rainfur blinked at Barkfur's attempt to soothe him, wondering if he had been that obvious about his discomfort around the tortoiseshell tom. It wasn't unwarranted wariness, after all- Rainfur had received a few beatings from the other tom in the past, and he would never forget Barkfur's crazy temper. Rainfur allowed himself to relax, however, hearing the sincerity in the other cat's voice. If he'd been in a better place, he likely would have laughed at Barkfur's comment that beating Rainfur up wasn't important to him right now. "None taken," Rainfur answered weakly, beginning to dread what must come next if Barkfur was being so sincere.

His dread grew as Barkfur continued on. It was Rainfur's turn to look away as the blue-gray tom lowered his gaze. His suffering had become so obvious that even StarClan had taken notice of his troubles. Rainfur knew he wasn't happy... he knew his lack of belonging in IvyClan was eating away at him. It hurt, though, to be confronted with it. All he'd ever desired was a family of cats who loved him, who wanted to stay with him... and he'd gotten a family. But his children had wanted to find paths of their own, and his mate had greater duties to take care of, more important things to focus on than him. Rainfur had believed he'd truly belonged in IvyClan when Owleyes had come into his life... but he should have known that he wouldn't be able to have the kind of life he desired with her when she ascended to become the clan's leader. He'd always dreamed of quiet afternoons spent in the sunlight, joking around without a care in the world, and of nights spent walking side-by-side, tails intertwined as if nothing in the world could separate him from the cat he loved.

He'd even had kits with her, as if he could possibly tie her down with them. As if he could make her stop thinking about what could have been with Blackheart, as if she could stay the same she-cat despite the weight of her responsibilities. She'd trusted him to be a good mate when no one else had believed in him, she'd believed he could have the maturity to patiently wait for her each day as she completed her duties and spend only fleeting moments together...

But Rainfur wasn't like that. He wanted a cat he could hold down, someone he could be the world for. He wanted someone who would follow him wherever he went, someone who was loyal to him and their children rather than to their clan. He wouldn't find that here, nor would he ever move on to find happiness with his failures staring him in the face, with the pitying looks he received from the children who stayed, the whispers on the breaths of his clan mates... Rainfur had made a mistake.

But it hurt to admit it. He didn't want to admit it. He couldn't leave, not now.

Rainfur closed his eyes as Barkfur ended his speech, reminding the blue-gray warrior that life was too short to wallow in misery like this. Rainfur was full of emotions- overwhelmed with them. But, above everything else was the sense that Barkfur was right. He was saying everything Rainfur had secretly wanted to hear since his children left him.

"Don't be sorry, Barkfur. I'm glad... you care about me so much," Rainfur murmured, his voice strained with sadness. It was bittersweet- they'd never been enemies at all. If not for Barkfur, he wouldn't have had the courage to chase what he'd believed to be happiness all those moons ago. "I believed... that Owlstar was my home. That I would be happy as long as she was in my life... but then I had kits, and they were my home, too. When parts of you decide to go their separate ways, who are you supposed to follow...?" Rainfur's lips once again lifted in a heartbroken smile. "I stopped trying to find the answer because it was so hard. It's easier just to stay where I am, hoping things will one day go back to the way they were. Maybe Scorchpaw will even decide to come back, and Starling will come to visit every now and then..."

If Rainfur had tears left to cry, he would have broken down in front of Barkfur. His tears, however, had long since dried. "But they're never coming back, and I'll never be happy again if I stay. It was... all just a fantasy, wasn't it? Happy endings... never come that easily."

[silverfang218]

“I’m not very good at showing I care, but I do. Sadly, I can’t do much for anyone up here- all I can do is watch over you.” Barkfur quietly responds to Rainfur’s statement about Barkfur caring about him. In a weird way, Barkfur supposes they are family, tied together by a certain small grey scrap of fur. Family looks out for each other, no matter what.

The ghostly tom goes silent as Rainfur continues, sorrow evident in Bark’s expression as well. While Bark had never had family intentionally leave him, Rainfur’s question of what to do when parts of one’s self go in different directions hits a bit too close to home for Bark. Barkfur only really had two cats who meant the world to him, Shadowgaze and Rivershine. Bark had considered home to be wherever those two cats were… half of his heart is by his side in StarClan but the other half was drowning in sorrow back in the world of the living. No matter how much Barkfur wished he curl around Shadow and comfort the cat he called his younger brother… he just couldn’t. He couldn’t even speak to Shadow like he’s speaking to Rainfur now; Bark knows that seeing Shadow face to face again would likely shatter the both of them into so many pieces that no one will be able to put them back together again. It’s not the same as Rain’s sorrow… but at least Rain can do something about his situation.

“I never had that problem when I was alive, and I can’t tell you where to go. Your heart, though, might have a better idea of where you might be happy. It might seem like your heart leads you astray sometimes… but it’s also led you to happiness, even if the happiness didn’t last. I was clearly never destined for a happy ending but you… you still have a chance to make it happen for yourself, Rainfur. It might not be the happy ending you always envisioned, but…” Bark trails off. Hopefully Rain got something out of Bark’s rambling; at this point, Barkfur is pretty sure that he’s just spouting nonsense. Isn’t that what StarClan cats were supposed to do? Spout vague prophecies that may or may not mean anything? Barkfur is fulfilling his duty, he supposes.

Even so, while Bark first wanted to address Rainfur's happiness, there's another major reason that Bark wanted to speak with Rain. “If you do decide to leave though… I know of at least one cat who might wish to go with you. I think you made a promise to me, moons ago, to take care of a certain young grey cat. This certain young grey cat… he’s… just as miserable as you are. I wish I could of brought you both up here to give you this talking to but… I can’t.” Barkfur’s voice cracks on the ‘I can’t.’ As he meets Rain’s gaze, Bark’s expression is pleading and there are tears starting to form in his eyes. “You probably never looked at me like this, but I see you as a kind of family. Shadowgaze was my brother and he loves you like his father; that’s good enough for me to accept you as family. I just want my living family to be happy, so… if you do decide to leave IvyClan… please take Shadowgaze far away from the place that holds so much pain for him. If you decide to stay, then please talk to him. Do whatever it takes for both of you to find a little happiness.”

[Meow]

Rainfur's sorrow only grew as Barkfur admitted that he had no real answer for him. For many clan cats, their loyalty was simply with the clan they served. Few ever had to question that loyalty- many clan cats died too young to see the darker side of the clan they loved, while others were too busy hunting or protecting their clan's borders to worry about whether or not they were satisfied with their lives. Some stay loyal because it gives them something to care about, while others stay because they believe staying with the clans is better than being a loner. Rainfur couldn't do that, though.

His loyalty was to his heart- part of which Starling and Scorch had taken when they left him. Part of which withered away when Owlstar hardened herself. He'd been left with a mere sliver of himself... and he needed to go piece himself together as well as he could before he lost the energy to do so.

He wasn't fit for being a warrior... at least not right now. He'd done his best to prove to his clan mates that he belonged in IvyClan, but, eventually, one needs to admit when the shoe doesn't fit.

The blue-gray tom's self-pity party was interrupted as he noticed the wetness in Barkfur's eyes. Rainfur immediately knew who he was talking about. Shadowgaze. His adoptive son... someone who had also been suffering from great loss, someone whose family had been picked off one-by-one, leaving him only with Rainfur and Wildwing to comfort him. And Rainfur hadn't been comforting him. Rainfur's eyes widened with guilt, though he still didn't interrupt Barkfur. Rainfur had been so busy thinking about his own grief that he hadn't tried to do notice Shadowgaze's...

He'd been a poor excuse of a father.

"I won't leave Shadowgaze behind," Rainfur promised, some strength coming back to his voice as he dipped his head towards the other warrior. Barkfur had never shown so much vulnerability to him before, and he wasn't about to let the other warrior's tears go to waste. Shadowgaze had stood beside them both, through the good and the bad, and they both owed him all the love and care in the world. "Whatever I do, wherever I go, I'll take him with me. I'll show him how great life can be with a real, stable family by his side... and I'll love him enough for the both of us." For the first time in a while, Rainfur felt a spark of determination in his chest. This wasn't just about him anymore. "...you won't have to worry about him anymore. You won't have to worry about us. We'll be so happy... that you'll get sick of watching over us. I promise."

[silverfang218]

Barkfur’s tears never fall from his eyes; he can’t recall crying since he was a young kit and he’s certainly not going to truly cry today. Barkfur sits up a little taller to try (unsuccessfully I’m sure) cover the rare emotion written in his expression. Barkfur has no doubt that Rainfur cares deeply for his eldest son, but everything can often be pushed to the side when dealing with a loss as heavy as Rainfur’s. Not that Barkfur can blame Rain much for being crushed under everything that has happened to his little family. If Shadowgaze hadn’t been equally lost in sorrow, then it’s likely that the little grey tom would have been doing his best to comfort Rainfur. Loss had made them both drift apart. While Barkfur can’t do much to heal Rain or Shadow’s families, he at the very least can remind Rainfur that he’ll still have his adopted son.

Barkfur’s expression breaks into a small but sad smile as Rainfur promises to remember Shadowgaze and to… to love him enough for both of them. Barkfur’s eyes, still full of tears, shine with gratefulness. It takes a moment to find his words, but… while Barkfur rarely took words at face value, there is something- in Rainfur’s tone or expression, Barkfur’s not actually sure what exactly- that rings with truth. Barkfur simply nods, putting his full trust into the tom in front of him.

“I’ll hold you to that promise, Rainfur.” Barkfur pauses a moment as he notices Rainfur’s form beginning to fade before quickly continuing to finish what he has to say before Rainfur wakes back up in the living clans. “I called you up here for one more thing, Rainfur. To remind you that no matter how alone you feel, even if it feels you have no family left, we are always up here watching over you. You have more family than you know.”

Barkfur stands to walk away, though he takes a moment to make one last request as Rain awakes. “And if Shadowgaze ever doubts that I’m watching, I’m counting on you to set him straight.”