[ti]Private[/ti]putting the pieces back together

[Meow]

Pigeonfang was uncharacteristically quiet as he trudged along with the rest of the early morning border patrol. It hadn't been long ago that Pigeonfang had been the social and strong son of Brackenstar, able to charm anyone off their paws... lately, however, he'd been avoiding his clan mates and their endless questions. Everything was a drag. What was the point of trying at all? His kits would never come live with him in MothClan, and Dawnpetal was gone. Everything he'd planned for his future had gone down in flames. He didn't want friends or his own clique of followers anymore- he wanted to go die in a hole somewhere and give up completely.

Pigeonfang sighed his 1,000th sigh, half-heartedly marking a tree by the border as his clan mates moved on at a much faster pace, clearly eager to finish and get back to camp. Had he been that eager once? That full of life? He didn't have anyone waiting back at camp for him, ready to welcome him home and share comfortable small talk. He was alone... oh-so-alone. No mate, no kits, no life.

He was a loser.

[Storm]

Sparrowlily
MothClan | Warrior | She-Cat | 19 Moons | Heterosexual

Initially a soft smile held on Sparrowlily's maw for the early patrol.  Typically no one had to much to share on the first trip of the day so it was mostly just a peaceful stroll the she-cat could enjoy.  Her cautious tendencies faded in the safety of the patrol group and with no one really chatting she didn't have to stress about talking.  Well... Normally, but not this morning.  

The fluffy brown she-cat had heard Pigeonfangs first sigh and his 1000th from his position behind her and it was beginning to weigh heavily on her.  She deeply wished she could have asked if he was alright before, his demeanor changing quiet drastically lately, but she wasn't able to muster the courage to talk with a clanmate she'd never directly spoken to before.  His pace slowing behind the group the she-cat glanced back over her shoulder to him only to stumble a bit over her paws.  She had to pause to gather herself and now an awkwardness grew over her as she checked back to see if the tom had seen her fumble. 

She giggled nervously to him to try and play off her clumsiness as the patrol group moved ahead without her as well now.  

[Meow]

Pigeonfang felt his eyes traveling to the trees beyond the border as the patrol moved further and further away, seemingly unaware of their clan mates falling behind. His amber gaze lingered on the barren branches as a hint of longing flashed, only for a moment, behind his eyes.

However, his attention was easily stolen from the MistClan trees as he noticed Sparrowlily's struggle in the corner of his eye, turning his head just in time to see her trip over her own paws. The tom blinked as she looked to him, giggling in embarrassment, and Pigeonfang raised a questioning kittybrow. What, had she stuck around to watch him feel sorry for himself? That didn't seem very fitting for his timid clan mate. It was as if his fellow warriors saw him as only a source of entertainment lately, something to gawk at. Perhaps he deserved such a status- after all, he hadn't exactly been loyal to the warrior code recently. "Might want to watch where you're going next time," Pigeonfang teased half-heartedly, awkwardly moving past her to follow after the patrol once more, though he clearly wasn't going to make an effort to catch up.

[Storm]

Sparrowlily
MothClan | Warrior | She-Cat | 19 Moons | Heterosexual

Her warm yellow gaze flicked down to her paws as if she was being scolded by the tom.  "Yeah..." her voice trailed, "You're right."  As he moved past, the she-cats spine quivered and her fur fluffed further.  She hopped into stride to get to the toms side.  With the patrol group ahead of them Sparrowlily felt very small and fearful so close to the border and she wouldn't allow Pigeonfang to leave her on her own.  She had skipped next to him quickly and slowed to match his pace immediately.  Her long fur brushed his as she had placed herself way to close to the tom in her nervous moment.  

She swallowed as she drifted away from him slowly, she felt the need to fill the silence so her action wouldn't continue the awkward interaction.  "Hey Pigeonfang," Sparrowlily's voice was small as she said his name, but it grew louder as she prepared herself to voice her concern about him.  "Everyone's kinda worried about you... How are you doing?"  It was about as blunt as the she-cat could be and yet she still worried it was to straightforward.  At least the tom would know his clanmates weren't glaring him down, but watching with worry in their hearts.  

[Meow]

Pigeonfang had been content to continue on in silence, moping about what could have been... as he'd been doing for so long now. He just wanted to get lost in his thoughts and be alone. Maybe he'd leave MothClan for awhile, leave and find somewhere to be alone.

The dark path of his thoughts, however, were destined to be interrupted by his small, fluffy companion. Just as Sparrowlily had disappeared from his vision, the sudden and bewildering sensation of fur brushing against his own caught his attention- along with a strong wave of the scent of bird feathers that always seemed to hang around the brown she-cat. The feeling only lingered for a heartbeat, but it had lasted long enough to earn an uncomfortable glance from the ginger tom.

By the time Sparrowlily spoke to him, Pigeonfang had started to question the she-cat's motives for hanging back with him. Pigeonfang pricked his ears to indicate that he was listening to her, keeping his eyes in front of him. His initial urge to brush her off was overridden by guilt as he tilted his nose down to look at her, taking in the concern in her voice and expression. Sparrowlily was worried about him, not laughing at him. And she was so nervous- he couldn't just brush her off like that. He'd probably scare her... oh, he was being a jerk.

Pigeonfang cleared his throat. "I just... It's no big deal," Pigeonfang snorted awkwardly. "Just, you know. My kits don't- they like being in MistClan, and don't want to come live with me. Just feeling lonely. I'll be okay."

[Storm]

Sparrowlily
MothClan | Warrior | She-Cat | 19 Moons | Heterosexual

Sparrowlily listened quietly as Pigeonfang spoke, her eyes fixed upwardly at his turned head.  She couldn't read his expression from the angle, but she felt a deeper pain than his voice portrayed. "Well that sounds like a big deal to me," she mewed softly, not letting him get away with making his problems seem so small.  Pigeonfang had changed quite drastically after all, she knew better than that.  She glanced to her paws to check the ground for obstacles her paws would have to clear.  She was careful not to trip again as she spoke, "You must be feeling a lot of things, I'm sure it's difficult to deal with."  Surely loneliness had drug along its friends, she knew hopelessness when she saw it as it had resided in herself before.  Sparrowlily had been useless during the war yet she had survived while so many others were lost.  She had wished her future away for a while after that and understanding the terrible feeling she hoped her clanmate wasn't feeling this way.  

"I'm sure it has nothing to do with you, I think you'd be a great father.  That's the home they know, it would have probably just been to big of a change for them."  Her posture had relaxed as she spoke genuinely in an attempt to comfort the tom or at least ease his mind.  

[Meow]

Pigeonfang simply frowned as the she-cat went on to try to console him, her voice so soft and genuine that it made him want to take back what he'd just told her. While he'd always been surrounded by others, Pigeonfang never talked about the negative aspects of his life, never admitted feelings of defeat or sadness to his clan mates. He... wasn't used to others trying to make him feel better. Pigeonfang wasn't the cat who sought advice- he was the one who always provided it.

She was right, though; it was an unavoidably big deal. The tom's muzzle wrinkled as he looked down at his own paws for a moment, his heart squeezing with his conflicting hatred and longing for MistClan. It had teased him with Dawnpetal, let him hope and dream for a future together... and then left him in the dark while they raised his children as one of them. In MistClan- where he would never see them.

"I wanted to be their home. They were going to be mine," Pigeonfang muttered. He slowly lifted his head to look at her again, defeat in his eyes. "It's like it was all a dream, and my family only ever existed in my head. I have... to be satisfied that I can never be part of their lives, that I am not real family to them." Pigeonfang swallowed, suddenly feeling completely bare in front of this cat he hardly knew. It was as if the gentleness in her voice had been enough to crumble his walls into dust. "Between clans, kin means nothing. I am their enemy. I always will be."

[Storm]

Sparrowlily
MothClan | Warrior | She-Cat | 19 Moons | Heterosexual

Her jowls parted slightly in awe as he poured his pains out to her. Sparrowlily never knew there was this much more to her clanmate, that he harbored such deep emotion inside of himself.  It was like seeing him in a new light.  He wasn't a fiery orange blaze that demanded attention by eating up everything, but a low-lit flame that had slowly sipped its fuel and finally reached out for more to continue burning.  She swallowed when his gaze met hers and her heart ached for her clanmate so torn up inside.

She wondered if he'd heavily considered leaving for them if MistClan would have had him or if the thought never once crossed his mind.  MothClan was built by cats willing to move on, but he was the son of its leader and he had family here as well.  There probably wasn't a clear choice for him.  She offered him a soft expression as she spoke, "You'll always be their blood, even if it means little to them at least you'll always have that."  

Sparrowlily paused as she thought about what he said.  She wasn't sure if a cat could get over never getting to watch their kits grow, let alone be satisfied like that, but it didn't mean it was all over for the young tom.  "I don't think StarClan would curse you to settle with this loneliness.  I'm sure you will find your happiness again." It was all she wanted in this life, surely they'd both find it before their time was up. 

[Meow]

Pigeonfang had to wonder if it was true that he wasn't meant to mourn what could have been for the rest of his life. He'd found himself a forbidden love at a young age, and forced himself to step up to the responsibility of raising the kits that came with it. Pigeonfang had been there every step of the way during Dawnpetal's pregnancy, promised that he'd do whatever it took to get her and their kits into MothClan, but had ultimately failed due to her untimely death.

Dawnpetal had been gone for a while. It was time to move on, to move toward a new life. Perhaps he'd one day find a new mate, someone who'd make him smile and dream of a long, happy life together. Maybe there was someone like that out there. And his kits... he wanted to be with them, more than anything. But they'd made their choice, and he'd made his; he could never live in MistClan. The tom's gaze turned back to the MistClan border, taking in the sight of its forests and the scent of its river one last time.

Pigeonfang was suddenly aware of the flakes of snow that quietly drifted to the frosty earth and the quiet of the world around them. The slow-drifting gray clouds above, the lone, sparse trees surrounding them. The border patrol had left them behind long ago. Pigeonfang let out a smoky exhale as he slowed to a stop, turning to face Sparrowlily. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I can be happy one day. Maybe it's time to let go and try living for myself again," Pigeonfang agreed softly, the ache in his heart letting up just a bit. There was a ghost of a smile on his face, a sad tilting up of his lips that could be easily missed. "Thank you, Sparrowlily. I think I really needed to hear that."

[Storm]

Sparrowlily
MothClan | Warrior | She-Cat | 19 Moons | Heterosexual

Sparrowlily watched carefully as the warrior checked the border they walked once last time and she caught the resolve pass over him like a wave.  She allowed her warm gaze to follow his.  She couldn't tell what the tom had decided yet; if he was planning to leave for the world past their border or move on, but there was no judgement from her.  For a single breath she offered a moment of silent recognition as she stared into their forest, respect for grief in allowing Pigeonfang to let go of the situation so he could start to heal.  She looked confusingly at him as she slowed with him to a stop.

For a moment she feared the tom was going to tell her to go on without him and she'd be left alone to make the trek home.  His words eased the quickened pace of her heartbeat as he thanked her, his face kind through all the aching of the past.  "It won't happen all at once, but you'll look back one day and see how you slowly put yourself back together," she took a small step forward and leaned into the toms long fur.  Her shorter stature compared to him making it easiest to place her head against his shoulder.  As the two stood in the quiet snow Sparrowlily allowed herself to linger in the warmth of his pelt.  There was no awkwardness now as she enjoyed the easy comfort between them.  The she-cat stepped back to look up at the toms deep eyes, "I hope I've helped, at least a little."

With that the she-cat blushed, sweeping her fluffy tail to the side.  Glancing down she pawed some snow at the toms feet, "Come on," she chirped over her shoulder as she turned to walk again, "Who knows what the patrol will think if we don't get back to camp soon." Sparrowlily's mind hummed with what just happened and this strange warmth she felt.  It wasn't a happiness about the toms misfortune, but maybe just being in his presence now that they'd spoken so deeply together.  She couldn't be sure but she glanced back to him with a genuine smile.