[ti]Private[/ti]What if I can't?

[M'Lady]

What if I can't? 

The question had plagued her mind since she entered that awful forest with a mission, and she'd pushed it back until this moment. It was early, very early, the warriors hadn't even gotten up for dawn patrol yet. She had left the apprentice's den, picking her way across tails and paws to go out near the waterfall in the camp clearing. The stone was cool and damp against her paws, and she merely stared out at the rushing water as she thought. 
What if she wasn't strong enough? 
What if she made a mistake?
What if Finchpaw got hurt because of her?
What if she couldn't save him? 
Her own mind was cruel to her, and fern green eyes shone with unshed tears that she attempted to blink back. As gray morning light filtered through the curtain of water, she couldn't quite help herself anymore, and tears fell silently from eyes now squeezed tightly shut. 
She didn't really care for the violence there, and the forest was unsettling but not unwelcome. It was her brother, that made her most worried. That clawed at her heart and asked questions that she really didn't have answers for. There was one that stood above all others, ever since she'd discovered that Rosespark wasn't who she said she was. 

Why couldn't have it been me? 

She could've known, she could've handled it better. And if she died over it, so what? She was small, and weak, she wouldn't be able to help her clan much as a warrior anyway, and illnesses made her feel awful, so a medicine cat wasn't an option either. If she'd been the one lured by the kitten killer, it wouldn't have mattered. All she did was remind her mother of the mate she lost and follow behind Finchpaw like his shadow. Her friends were cats that were dead and would abandon her should the situation turn for the worse. Normally, she wouldn't have been bothered by the fact, but things had been stacking up for a little too long and now Tansy was trying to find every reason of why it should've been her that Sweetoak had found first. Finchpaw was sweet and creative and strong, and didn't deserve any of this. He deserved to be happy, so did Meteorpaw. And yet here they were, being tricked. 

Tansypaw laughed softly, her voice tainted by the sadness her tears held. 

Why did it have to be him? 

[Mama]

Fallenpaw had awoken when another cat shifted out of their nests, rolling over as he tried to blink the dizziness out of his eyes. It was another apprenticed... Tansypaw, he thought her name was. His paw rubbed against his eye and he watched her go, growing a bit curious. It was quite early in the morning for anycat to be up, so what was she trying to do?

The ginger tom gave a small merroow to himself as he rolled over, stretching out his legs and tail. It was only fair if he found out what she was up to, or if she was in trouble, right? The hair on his neck puffed up a bit, and he lapped it down quickly before peering out of the den to try and spot the she-cat.

His eyes flickered through the dark, glowing faintly before he saw her by the waterfall. She looked so sad... and even her laugh seemed to be upset about something. Suddenly, a great idea popped in his head, and his tail shot up above his head. Fallenpaw had a great idea!

Padding towards Tansypaw, he perked his ers up as his eyes gazed over her expression. Definitely sad... maybe he could help that? With a small meow to alert her of his presence, the tom sat down next to her. "You alright?" Fallenpaw asked after a moment, concern filling his bright amber eyes.

[M'Lady]

She started a bit when Fallenpaw meowed, not quite realizing he'd been there. She really must've been zoned out, hadn't she? Tansy relaxed a bit once she saw it was her denmate, but soon dropped her gaze to avoid his own. She brought a paw up to rub at her eyes, blinking quickly to try and clear them of any remaining tears. When she heard him speak, though, and turned to meet concerned amber eyes, she couldn't help but to break down again.

"No," She answered miserably, finding it no use to try and hide her sadness after the apprentice so clearly saw it. She'd never been good at hiding things, not at all. But she was usually so small and reserved, no one really cared. Though, when you woke up and found your clanmate crying out by herself, she supposed the natural thing to do was go and see if she was alright. Fallenpaw was a good clanmate.

She didn't really elaborate much on her condition, but considering he was probably going to ask anyway, she did provide him with a vague sort of answer.

"S'just... A lot. I don't think m'gonna be able to get through it." She spoke softly, unable to keep the tremble out of her voice. "M'so... Worried. An' stressed. M'not good enough." She mumbled this add on, so that it was difficult to decipher her quiet words. But, it didn't really matter what she said. Her distress was visible on her face and in her stance, as it seemed that she just couldn't stop shaking.

[Mama]

Fallenpaw's ears drooped a bit at her words, before having yet another bright idea. After a moment of silence, he leaned forwards and wrapped his paws around her shoulders, softly cuddling against her in a comforting manner. "I'm sorry, if you need help I'm here?" He mewed out, trying to at least cheer her up. Hopefully, she didn't react and get mad, or think he was weird. Was he weird? Maybe, but he was trying to make her happy. As long as she wasn't looking sad, he didn't care if Tansypaw called him a twoleg or mousebrain.

Sticking out his tongue slightly, he quickly lapped behind her ear, his tail flickering from side to side. 'Maybe it would help a bit? She looks cold, and who doesn't like being warm?' Fallenpaw said to himself, before giving a goofy grin.

[M'Lady]

She tensed briefly when she felt his paws on her, but it only caused more tears to well up in her eyes. Oh, when was the last time someone tried to cheer her up without knowing why? Finchpaw was too busy with Meteorpaw these days, but she was such a pretty and lively she-cat, Tansy couldn't really blame him. Nightfur was still sweet, but she was off doing her warrior duties now that they were no longer kits. Other than them, Tansypaw realized... She didn't really have any friends? She'd been closest with her father, and he had left them. She immediately assumed it was because of her, though her mother often told her otherwise. But maybe she'd been too clingy? Too attached? Maybe he was just sick of her.

Since then, she tried not to get too attached.

A faint smile came to her face, as she let out a soft laugh that was only a little happier than the once before. Sure, her voice still broke with tears, but it was clear by her smile that she was definitely a bit cheered up. She turned to face him, tucking her small head against his chest to LEECH THE WARMTH FROM HIM.

"You're so weird." She told him, a bit of mischief in her voice mingling with her sorrow. "Don't ever change."

[Mama]

When he had saw tears in her eyes, he couldn't tell if they were from happiness or just from sadness, so he kept his rather derpy smile on his face. Of course, when she gave a teeny smile and laugh, he realized it must have been the first.

He wasn't weird at all with her snuggling against him, then once again he was sometimes a bit too  dumb to consider embarrassment or looking mousebrained. Her words made him purr loudly, and he decided that being weird was good! If she was happy, and everyone else, the weird must be great! When Tansypaw put her head against his fluffy fur, the tom’s ears perked back up and he resumed to groom her head soothingly.

[M'Lady]

His purr was comforting. A constant soothing rumble that calmed her nerves and allowed her to breathe out a deep, shaky sigh. It was okay, she was okay. Finchpaw was okay too, for now. She just needed to take things one step at a time, right? Move slowly and watch your enemies till they leave themselves open. She could do this, all she needed was time to figure it all out.
She hoped she had time.

After a moment of these thoughts, she banished them from her head. It was time to step back for a moment, to just stop thinking about it and just... Exist for a second, without any worries. She concentrated on the physical feelings around her instead. It was surprising, no matter how real the Dark Forest could feel, it was still nothing compared to how it was here. From the soft dripping farther back in the cave to the roaring waterfall, Tansy was constantly reminded that she was alive, and that nothing from there could get to her here.
She took comfort in her clanmate's warmth, in his gentle grooming and rumbling purr.

She was here.

"Thank you." She told him after awhile. She didn't know how long it'd been. Seconds, minutes, they all felt like hours. Her voice was more tired than sad at this point, but she didn't move yet. She couldn't move yet. "M'sorry for waking y'up."

[Mama]

Throughout the time, Fallenpaw had continued to clean her ruffled fur up, and just generally provide warmth and comfort. “It’s fine, I’m a light sleeper anyways. And I don’t think I could have if I knew a clanmate was upset. We’re all in this together, all of the clan.” The ginger and white tom mewed, before lapping more towards her head. He wasn’t really bothered by waking up early, and he was happier helping someone then letting them be sad. A little kindness could go a long way, in his opinion.